I Messed Up By Having Siri Active in Public

SwitchUpCB, PhD
3 min readOct 31, 2022
Photo by Eduardo Soares on Unsplash

Be me. In the milk aisle of a grocery store I’ve never been to before, since I recently moved to the city. A lone kid walks by like most kids do, but this one is different. Much different…

The kid stands next to my cart and opens a glass door to pick out a milk jug. Unsure of which version to take, he begins turning the jugs around to read the nutrition facts. At some point, he must have realized that his phone would showcase the information faster. As a result, he whipped out his phone to consult a robot: “Siri, show me the milkers.” After a brief period of scrolling, he managed to pick up the milk he was looking for. Then, he skipped along on his merry way.

I thought nothing of this at the time.

In my hometown, chocolate milk is placed near the white milk. Not the case here… After I spent a while searching for the chocolate milk selection, I decided to ask a wagie walking by for assistance. Unfortunately, that wagie was POOR and could not understand what I meant by the name of the premium chocolate milk brand I was looking for.

In a moment of quick wit, I decided that I would show the employee a picture of the item I was searching for. I surmised that the wagie would recognize a picture of an object that they themselves could not afford; since Instagram is quite a common past-time among other wagies. Following this realization, I pulled out my phone, centered the screen at the eye-level, then unlocked it.

For those unaware, Apple’s Siri has a feature where you can create an alias for certain words. As an example, I can create an alias for the word “e=mc2” to reference the phrase “Einstein’s Theory of Relativity”. Then, when I interact with Siri, the word “e=mc2” will be replaced with “Einstein’s Theory of Relativity”. What a great feature! Unfortunately, I had forgotten about the time I was testing it; when I aliased the word “milkers” to “big boobies”.

The light from the phone screen plopped into our physical realm. As a reminder, I had unlocked the screen to show the wagie a premium chocolate milk brand. So imagine the surprise on both of our faces as MASSIVE FUCKING TIDDIES popped up on the screen. Then I remembered… That damn kid. I attempted to turn off the phone, but ended up misclicking a nipple. This introduced us…